deviljew

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 02:08:17 GMT

sam moved out :(

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 05:50:33 GMT

so i had an audition today for the summer governor's school program

the monologue performance was alright, i think the judges liked it. enough so that they asked me to perform as if i were drunk and i had a lot of fun with that.

and then the interview had four questions

1. Why did you choose this piece?
Because Jim is the strong male figure that was absent from T. Williams life. I feel that i can connect with williams in some way because, whether by choice or not, my dad hasnt always been there.
2. If you could do another art form, what would it be? Also, How does your choice relate to theater?
Visual art. It can be bright and vibrant or dull and listless. Exciting and new, or boring and old-fashioned. Violent and exhilarating, or calm and tranquil. Just like any multitude of plays
3. Did you have any instruction as to how to perform this piece?
Not until before the second audition. The piece was suggested by my theater teacher and i made all the choices for the first audition. she didnt give any advice until before the second audition.
4. Only 200 Students will be accepted. What can you bring that is unique?
I really feel that i could bring a sense of leadership to the program. My teacher said that i made a huge leap this year from being a follower to a leader and getting done what needs to get done and i think i could demonstrate that while there.

Then came improv and that was hilarious. I was working with a guy named Samuel from Governor's School. By the way, me martin and wes decided today that gov. school kids think that they are the shit. that bothers me a lot. anyways, we started off "as brothers who have 6 dollars to get mom and dad a present, i want to get them something nice, he doesnt" it was hilarious and we discovered that you can get the entire sherlock holmes series for under 6 bucks. Next we were football players with the same gf and we had to decide who was taking her to homecoming. It ended up with us taking missy and sissy. then the male judge made us stop because i said "they are twins right? double the action" and then he asked if he could get their numbers. i think it was an awesome audition and i really hope i make it

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 03:05:14 GMT

why does it seem that whenever i do something i enjoy, it always fucks up something for someone else?

and me.

i guess im just destined to screw up and cause problems my entire life because i dont learn from past experiences

and then there are people who help me to screw up
but these are the people i love the most because without them my life would be boring

some people...

too bad i can never figure out what i really want

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 01:28:07 GMT

just like that you came back
didnt gimme time to notice the attack
your flying in me, tearing up the inside
get out, get out, get outside

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 04:18:02 GMT

my crush for her came back all at once after tonight

i thought it interesting

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 03:51:37 GMT

so tonight i got stopped by the cops

and i got away without a ticket

it was sweet

and my grades came in and they were good

and i want to go back to vb nowwwwwww

and i am tired of girls playing me
they need to die

and i cant decide what to do with my life

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 00:06:55 GMT

my weekend sucked hardcore

i had to go to a fucking soccer tournament for my brother because my dad didnt want to leave me by myself. FUCK HIM. he pissed me off so much this weekend. SHUTUP NOAH, STOP IT NOAH, LEAVE ME ALONE NOAH. i dont like him. and i dont like my new step mom either. she pisses me off so much with her fucking OCDness. and she's is too clean and too organized. she reminds of Mrs. Bowhers except that i dont see Kim as one of my moms. and speaking of moms, mine is being very difficult right now. she doesnt want to make a trip up to get me so i can spend a few weeks with my friends. Wes even offered to drive up with her so she wouldnt have to go alone. and my dad tried tellin me about drugs, and he gave me a history of our family, and apparently, almost everyone in my family was destroyed by drugs. it gives me something to look up to. he's trying to change me. he has been trying since he forced me to move up here. i dont like his views and i dont like him. i want out, i want out, I WANT OUT!!!!!!! it just seems so hopeless now. he makes me go to fucking sylvan tutoring, and he's gonna make me go over the summer if my grades arent good enough. and he's making me get a job even though i wont be here for most of the summer. i hate him. i am tired of living with that asshole. i want to go back and live with my mom. i just want to go back

Thu, 25 May 2006 02:24:43 GMT

heres how my future looks

blank.

Thu, 18 May 2006 11:17:34 GMT

so me and katie broke up

but i was gonna do today or tomorrow anyways so it doesnt really bother me

plus i know the greatest girl ever

its just too bad she lives so far away

whatever, ill go see her someday

little problem

Tue, 16 May 2006 03:05:46 GMT

okay so it might bigger than i thought. there is this girl named haley and shes pretty and smart and funny and beautiful and unbelievable and i could on about her forever. i met her at my nfty-mar spring kallah and ive been thinking about her for a really long time and i started talking to her online and she and i can talk about anything and it doesnt matter cuz i just want to hear her talk and she might not feel the same about me but she is just so great and wonderful and amazing and i want to be with her right now and stay with her and never let her go and never leave

but she isnt my gf which is the problem

so what do i do, go for a girl that probably doesnt like me as much but i have a good chance with if i ever see her, or stay with my gf, who i like and want to be with, but not as much?

i mean, i love my gf and all, but then haley is just...just....wow

Mon, 15 May 2006 11:14:40 GMT

okay so this is about a dream i had last night/early this morning and it was really weird:

it started out with me going to meet all of FC at a thespian conference at a mall in nova but it turned out there was no conference

when i got there i was looking for sky for a while and kept asking everyone until someone pointed at him. i went up to a table with three girls and sky and he was high. that disappeared and it turned into me wes john and thomas getting on the bus to gohome, then i remembered that i had to leave with my dad so i had to run to the other side of the mall but i never made it because i got hit by a truck

weird, huh? if there any dream analysts it would be cool to know what it means

Sun, 14 May 2006 00:57:43 GMT

okay so heres whats been goin on lately

sara wants me to grind with her at peabody's this summer, so of course im gonna do that

alyssa and thomas...things were bad, and i think there better so thats great

looking forward to this awesome drug-induced, once in a lifetime expirement

my gf rocks

im homeschooled still, it sucks

i havent gotten laid in a while

im getting better at guitar

i miss dan, and kyle, and sophie, and everyone from nfty but those three the most, oh and haley and bethany

ummmm, 2hour long conversations with sarah at 1100 at night are fun

driving isnt all its cracked up to be

i havent had anything to smoke in a long time (420) so this summer is gonna be a nonstop drugfest unless im with john or sara or keegan or blvd

speaking of blvd, they are letting me do a guest performance for Hava Nagilah, of course, a jewish song for a jewish person

my sister is in town for three weeks

i got some skin numbing stuff for anyone who wants it this summer

i might get my eyebrow pierced

thats kinda it, there are some people i want to call but i dont know if they want to talk to me, maybe ill work up the courage soon

X nigger stole my bike X

Wed, 10 May 2006 23:43:44 GMT

things i learned today:

i love and hate alyssa at the same time (but mostly love)

i dont call people at home because it hurts too much

jesse would be a fun drunk to hang with

this summer is full of drugs

i miss amber and sara and everyone at home

i called jackie "woman" way too much

my sister is home from college

my dad left me at home with my soon-to-be-grandma to go get married in the Cayman Islands

thats all

Tue, 02 May 2006 00:03:33 GMT

grounded for another week

which means until the end of school

plus, i have to go to sylvan to get tested for a math tutor

and i have to be at a library for my homeschooling at 9

i really want to see katie, she makes my life

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 00:47:57 GMT

so i found out that i am

going to be homeschooled for the remainder of the year
have to go to court for a criminal charge

and no one believes me that i wouldnt hurt anyone, the worst i have ever done to anyone is to myself and that was burning my arms with cigs

im so pissed with the whole situation

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 01:44:05 GMT

so here is the story so far

yesterday i was joking around with a girl and i said i was gonna kill her and "get her" with my knife, i went into my backpack to look for a knifelike object. i found a pocketknife i had had in there since i moved. when i was moving i just threw shit in my bags and forgot about it and didnt bother taking it out since i didnt know of its existence in there. so today she tells the vice principal. he comes and gets me and now i am in a lot of trouble.

i get:

10 days OSS
Possible Expulsion by the School Board
Grounded for a month
No car for a while (not specified how long)
During the 10 days i still have to work and wake up at a normal time

THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT

and i have no way out of this. my psychiatrist is trying to talk with some people to get me out of it but it wont work. i know it wont. so what is going to happen?

either:
a. catholic school
b. night school for 365 days (or however long the superintendent says so)
c. school in ohio
d. going to VB to finish school (although that will never happen since my dad is an asshole and wont ever let me leave)

so im screwed and if option b happens i dont get to go to vb this summer or on any other trips i planned to go on. all i can say is i hope that catholic school lets me in

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 01:39:19 GMT

okay so here i am after getting home from being the stage manager of A Midsummer's Night Dream, and i hate my life once again.

it made me think about how i used to do nothing but theater, and how my teacher actually wanted to do plays and was there to help me.

and now alyssa says she might be moving to phoenix and that sucks

but i guess thats how things role, also, i am really jealous of BLVD i definetly want to jam with them when they practice, it would be fun. When i am there we can be N.BLVD North Boulevard

i think it would be cool. if and when i get to come back this summer. i really hope i get to come back for a month at least

later days

thomas

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 03:47:26 GMT

so im sitting here at the computer and i was just on myspace

and i was looking at thomas' myspace

and i broke down. i started crying right there.

i thought that since ive been here a while it wouldnt effect me. but it did

i never had a friend like him.

me and him were smokin buddies, we went to back bay with matt simons, we did so much stuff together, stuff that really tells you that this person is your best friend. stuff that shows that you wont forget about this person for your whole life. being away from him is just makin me so fuckin miserable. and the worst part is, i dont even think of my friends from VB unless im on myspace. IM FUCKING DRIFTING AWAY. and i hate it

i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it

being up here is changing me. im partying way to much. ive been stoned a lot of the time im in school. im not doing theater anymore. im not doing anything i used to. and i hate it.

there isnt one good side to this whole being in WV. i knew it, my friends knew it, my dad knew i wouldnt like it, and yet he still moved me up here against my wishes. i dont think i am ever gonna forgive him for this.

i miss you thomas, with all my heart

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 03:40:17 GMT

okay so im making myself a new livejournal account so its

superjewkool

lame and so like me

life is gettin hard

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 00:37:16 GMT

its true

life keeps gettin harder

never easier, keeps on rollin, movin, flowin, like a river

keep it goin, feel the flow, try to stop time, out you go

gone with the wind, scarlett o'hara, dust in the wind, its time to move on

go to something different something new, something you never done, thats never experienced you

let yourself be everything, let everything be yourself, be at one with me,

dont try to hard, let things happen, try to change your life, it wont happen

things happen for a reason, its not always good, but sometimes you change, just like seasons

fall to winter, summer to spring, turning like the cycle, dont go against the wheel

be like an arrow, fly fast, to a target, hit the bullseye, make a mark, but do it before dark

for everyone to see

try to help those who cant help themselves, do a good deed, get one in return

mr chris applebach, a good friend, there for me, till the end

my rhymes may be corny but im just lettin them flow, letting them go, out of my mind, from the deep recesses, past the abyss where the concious meets the subconcious

into dreamland, come back if you want, believe in whatever, if thats what you want

make the rivers flow with sugar, make the mountains out of fur, its your mind, let it take you where it wants, its just trying to help, dont distress, dont make a mess

we only use a little bit of our brains, too much use would cause a strain

lookin at the computer screen, looking back at my eyes, glaring, so mean

always an angry look on my face, i dont know my place, i dont know where i belong,

yes i do, home in vb, that is where i need to be

with my friends, with my girls, with my guys, with my theater, gettin laid, hangin out, smokin weed,

i try not to let things keep me down, its hard sometimes,

forget that, i dont need worries, just be happy

dont let life make you feel crappy, its too short, have fun, get laid

do what you want, hang with friends, get paid

but make it your own, do what you want, do what you need

to get by, to survive, do what you please

give people a smile, they smile back

its worked for me, thats a fact,

dont doubt me, i dont judge you, unless i have good reason, i consider you a friend

its just a big circle, movin around constantly,

dont fight it, let it take you, you will be happy,

go with the flow, swim with the river,

it may be cold, it may make you shiver,

but dont let that change you, you decide your life, dont cause yourself strife

dont worry, be happy

- Noah Kaplan

shit, i cannot believe i just wrote that, i mean, it sucks so much but wow,
those were the thoughts going through my mind when i was stoned on friday

this week has been going good so far though, i am starting to like it up here, but im not gonna get used to it up here

i dont belong here, but i did meet this sick guitar teacher who i hope will really help me a lot

and i love that picture you put up alyssa it is so cool

<3 for you guys in vb i will be there in a week and 4 days

and call me sometime people please 304 210 4962

im sick

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 23:21:33 GMT

im sick of everything

of wanting a relationship that will never happen
of living far away from my friends
of not having friends where i live
of having to see my asshole dad every day
of not getting to move back home
of having to miss THEVENT because of court
of getting bad grades in school
of not smoking even though its bad for me
of not drinking even though its bad for me
of having to study every god damn night
of not having a valentine
of not having any cigarettes
of not being with john
of not being with thomas
of not being with sky
of not being with wes
of not being with martin
of not being with erica
of not being with alyssa
of not being with alex
of not being with keegan
of not being with adam
of not being with everyone else from 3178
of not being in my theater
of not being part of the theater here cuz it sucks
of going crazy
of lying in my bed thinking that my whole life just happened, and it sucked
of having a shitty life
of being away from the people who can help me the most
of having to live with my dads gf
of him being at work all the time, which makes home not a good living environment if he isnt here
of not having a car....yet
of not seeing my moms
of not being able to go snowboarding with my friends
of my sister trying to convince about something i dont want
of her feeling bad for me
of being away from my friends
of being away from my friends
of being away from my friends
of being away from my friends
of being away from my friends
im sick of a lot of things, and i hate him, with a passion that is greater than my love for theater

the thing that i hate, more than anything about myself, is that i cant stand seeing two of my best friends in a relationship because its what i wanted. i really do hate myself for that reason. and i still havent gotten over it, and i know i never will. WHY IS SHE SO HARD TO FORGET ABOUT???????????????????? she rejected me twice and i still havent given up, WHY??????? why did she reject me the first? why the second? maybe i shouldnt know, or maybe i should, it doesnt matter, changing wont help, i thought i did, and i thought a lot of things that were wrong, most of the things i thought were wrong. maybe its not supposed to happen for a reason. maybe i was supposed to move for a reason. and that reason is? to be miserable for the rest of my life. i cant stand it here, at least when my dad goes to court i can tell the judge i want to retry my case. but will i be able to handle coming back? i dont know if i will, having to leave after i visit will be so hard, i think im just gonna run and hide somewhere

at least i know that they miss me, but its not enough, nothing ever is

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have become so emo lately, i think my brand of emo is jewmo, for an emo that is jewish,

and i finally got a call from chris but he called me during school so......yeah, it sucked because i missed it

I HATE MY DAD

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 21:37:49 GMT

he is the biggest asshole ever, i try talking to him last night and it went something like this

me: i have fun when i visit you and everything, but i dont want to live here, i am miserable here, i havent made many friends, and i dont want to live in a boring as fuck city where there is nothing to do and no one i know
dad: tough, im not just gonna roll over and let you move, i think that you will be better off here and i think you will succeed. i dont want to you end up like your uncle paul, do you know why he smokes? because even though his father is dead he still hates him, and i dont want you to hate me
me: well thats tough because after what you did at conference and everything that has gone on between you and mom there is no way that i cant hate you and her

that sums it up, its not the whole thing, he wont let me move back, no matter how miserable i am, no matter how hard i try, its not fair, i want to be with my friends and be happy, but he wont let me do that. i am trying to keep myself together but its impossible, he wants me to try and make new friends and just kinda push the old to the side, but not forget about them. if he thinks that will happen then he is wrong to no extent. i told him exactly how i felt, and exactly how i think things should happen, but he doesnt care, he wants me to stay here so that he knows that i will succeed. FUCK THAT. a person doesnt need to succeed as long as they are happy, i dont want to do anything right now but go to school WITH MY FRIENDS IN VIRGINIA BEACH. he wont get that through his head though. and it bugs me that even though he has seen how miserable i am, and how hard he is making my life he wont let me go back. i want to more than anything, and no one can even fathom how hard it is having to live each day away from my friends and away from my theater.

you guys think that you miss me a lot, well take that multiply it by ten and then double it and thats how much i am missing you guys, i hate it here. there is no escaping though, and that is what makes me want to kill myself. i dont belong up here in fucking west virginia i belong down in virginia beach in first colonial high school with troupe 3178 and all my friends and with curtis and everyone but he wont understand that. I AM GOING CRAZY. there is no other way to put it. i was up from 4 this morning until now, and i lay in my bed waiting for my dad to come pick me up like he usually does, and i honestly thought that he had forgotten and that a whole week had gone by. i havent been thinking at all today, only one thought has been going through my mind all day and its the only thing i have left besides phone conversations with my friends and it is this "noah, you have to keep it together, you can not let him win, by acting out and doing all the bad things you have done you are showing that he is winning. you need to keep it together darling." that was said by Mrs. Curtis and that has been the most meaningful thing that has ever been said to me. it means more than an "i love you" from my mom or dad, i dont like them anymore, i hate them and dont ever want to see them again, if they didnt come home because they were dead, i would be perfectly happy, cuz then i could go live with john bowhers and i know that i would be happy from then on. this means more than my first kiss or hanging with friends. i think that mrs curtis is what has been keeping me going for the past two years. she has always been there, when this thing started she told me that she wouldnt let my dad take me, and i believed her, and i still do, but things didnt happen that way, i know she tryed as hard as she could, and so did sky and john and thomas and wes and martin and erica and chris and everyone. but things didnt work the way she planned. i dont think that she has given up on me, how could a mom give up on her son? she is one of my moms, any time this divorce thing got me down i always turned to her and she was always waiting with open arms to give me a hug and tell me everything would be alright, and i know that she wasnt lying to me, i know things will be alright eventually, but when? i need answers, i cant live my life up here thinking that things are going to happen when they arent. i know this might sound a little weird to some people, but i want to be close to her, i want to feel her arms around me, and i want to hear her tell me that things will be fine and that she wont let me leave, i consider her a mom equal to my real mom. think about it though, if a woman that you met 2 years ago is all in your face about doing things wrong and is critisizing all the mistakes you have made, and takes the blame for the stupid mistakes you have made that got her in a shitload of trouble, and then she turns around and says "dont worry baby, everything is fine, it will all work out in the end" wouldnt you consider her to be your mom? she is one of the most amazing people i have ever met, and the fact that she fought for me, and that she still is, and that she will is one of the best feelings in the world. i would put my life in her hands if i had to. and some of you will think that its weird that i have said all this but none of you have been in my situation, none of you have ever been basically abandoned by your parents, even though they dont say that they abandoned you, and none of you have ever had to look for a new parent of any kind. so please, dont leave any comments about how weird it might be, just please dont. but if you want to show this to mrs curtis, please do, i think she should know that she means a lot to me, if you think she should see this then show it to her, dont hesitate

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 23:41:45 GMT

i finally broke my knuckles

thats what comes from punching walls though

and from having a short temper

sucks, huh?

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 20:44:04 GMT

so i know i should be happy for my friends, but its killing me and i know why. he got what i have wanted for a long time and every time i think about it i get so jealous i go and punch something and end up almost breaking my knuckles. does that make me a bad friend? to be mad at him because she fell for him?

also, i have been thinking a lot about it, and no matter how i picture it i know that i will not be happy if i continue to live in west virginia for an extended period of time. i know it, my friends know it, the only one who doesnt is my sister. she thinks that i will be much happier in WV, without my friends, without my theater department, without my life. i dont care, she doesnt know what she is talking about

besides that, thomas and john are coming up for spring break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that makes me happy to an unmeasurable degree

i cant wait to see them, although i doubt their spring break and my spring break will be during the same week. whatever, i will make it work

the overnight ski trip coming up on the 28 of february, everyone should go on it, i will be up there and i will be waiting to meet you guys. i mean everyone, even if you cant snowboard, just go and have fun with us. it will be great

so yeah, im still kinda miserable, but im getting a little better, making some friends, talking back to teachers, the usual. its getting better, but it will never be as great as being back in virginia beach

and also, one thing that has been bugging me since she said it, "i cant control my feelings" i dont believe that because you gave me a list of reasons that you said kept you from having feelings, him and i have done a lot of the same stuff, me more than him. still, you didnt try to control your feelings for him, but you did for me

i hate it up here

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 22:07:36 GMT

so i am pretty miserable here in west virginia

i dont know how to tell that to my dad, he is trying so hard to make it as easy as possible and to be super nice, it seems impossible for me to do something like that

i know that i need to tell him but i cant

my first two days of school have been so boring but pretty chill

school starts at 8:15 i have 8 classes a day, each lasting 50 minutes or so, and i get out at about 3:10

the only problem is that i dont have any friends up here and i dont know anyone and i hate the theater at my school

she doesnt even have auditions for the school plays. she just picks people she thinks would play the part well. i hate that. im not going to have anything to do with the school theater because it would be a waste of my time and effort.

i am trying out for a play called "Cotton Patch Gospel" at the community theater. it is about the life and times of jesus christ as if here were born today in georgia. Sound a little anti-religious for me? it is. but if i make it it should be a lot of fun.

i really miss everyone in va beach. i dont know how long i am going to be able to last without seeing them.

i hope erica feels better, she said her rib was hurting so i hope that heals up. and sarah heysel is going to move up here and we are going to be scene buddies. cuz that is what we do.

everybody please, the next time you see chris applebach tell him to call me with any info he has, right now he is the most crucial person in my life pertaining to moving back to va beach so please tell him to get on that